Me

*This post was written Dec 8 and posted on Feb 9*

I have had a lot going on that I haven't shared on the ole blog, so I thought I might catch you up. A few Sundays ago, God pushed me out of the pew to go see Buddy (my pastor) after the service. God had really spoken to me during the message and He has been telling me to go pray with Buddy over "meeting someone" (for lack of a better word) for about a month now. I kept telling God, "But I can talk to You myself. Why do I need Buddy to pray too??" I think He just wanted me to be obedient, because I could not shake the inclination to talk to Buddy. Also, He had given me more opportunities lately to talk to him, and I just shushed the thought of talking to Buddy about it. It is HARD for me to say it out loud. My good friend and fellow widow, Melissa, described the feeling very well with hand motions: one hand motioning stop and the other motioning you forward.


Conflicted.


And it is not like I have had anyone ask. I think God is just preparing me... and Riley. We had a conversation one night about a week ago while lying in bed. He asked all the questions he had, like:

"Would I have to get rid of all my pictures of Daddy?"

"Would I have to share my room?"


Tonight, out of the BLUE, he asked, "If I got a new Daddy, would Grandma and Granddad still be my grandparents?"

I said, "Of course, Sweetie, they will be your grandparents forever."


Ugh!

After the conversation, there was quietness. Then he said, "I still don't want you to get married." I just smiled and said it was ok and not to worry.

I think, just like me, God is preparing him too. It is not something that will happen overnight. Not for either of us. Before anyone gets alarmed, I do realize that it is not his decision, but I do not want to blind-side him. I want him to know the possibilities and to not be afraid to ask questions and express his feelings.

Reagan on the other hand...

We were in Wal-mart looking at wallets for Riley and the following conversation took place. (I had never approached the subject with her for fear it would confuse her, but I thought I would give it a try.)

Reagan: I wish I had a daddy.
Me: Well, Sweetie, you never know, God may have some one special for mommy to love and to marry again.
Reagan: You could get married?
Me: Yes
Reagan: I want you to do that.

Please just keep the prayers coming. We have a long road ahead of us either way. It will continue to be a challenge to raise these two b "by myself" (I put quotations around it, b/c I do have a lot of help.), but on the other hand it will be so difficult to open my heart, my home, my life, my children to some one else.