my thoughts

The kids stayed out at my parents' house last night, so I was kid free at church today. Today was my last day to help out at the youth building. I have decided to look for a Sunday School class. Since I didn't have the kids, I stayed all three hours. (youth bldg, Sun sch, and worship) Anyway, the class I visited was ladies singles. It was ok.... very small... but full of sweet, sincere women. I am sure I will have to go several more times to see if it is a fit. As I sat down, I wanted to just walk out the back door, but I remember going to our SS class in WR for the first time and feeling the same way. I don't enjoy being the new person, not knowing anyone, and them not knowing me and having to explain my whole situation. Of course in WR, I could cling to Dustin, I felt so alone sitting there today. The ladies were friendly... they did everything right... I was the wrong one. On the way home from church, I slipped into one of my thought vacuums........
that class was ok
I'll try it again
I could try one of the thirty-something classes (co-ed)
I could try to start a class
I could try to get some friends to join me in this class
what exactly am I looking for?
what do I like in a Sun class?
I like my old Sun class
we did stuff, socials, I learned a lot, we had good teachers, we had fun, we had stuff in common
What would be the best case scenario?
A couples class with Dustin!

I always come back to that. If none of this had happened, that would be best. I know God has a plan to use my experience for His glory. It is just hard (What a whiney excuse!). If the table were turned, and I had died, Dustin would have handled everything so much better than me. My emotions get in my way so badly. He was very literal. He would have mourned deeply and heavily, but then he would move on.

I have told many of you this conversation we had just one year prior to his accident, but it is worth a retell. Dustin's grandfather had passed away and we were discussing how deeply grandma was mourning; which led to our discussion of what ifs. We each said the other had to go first. We agreed that cremation was wise and best, but I told him with tears in my eyes that I wasn't sure I could do it if he went first.
He looked and me and said, "Just do whatever you can." (And I did. As you know, he was not cremated.)
Then he said, "If I go first, I want you to re-marry."
I cried harder, then laughed and said, "Well, if I go first, you better mourn me forever!"
We had a good laugh, then I said, "No, if I die young, re-marry, but if you are old and only have a few years left yourself, don't re-marry!"
He got a good laugh out of that too! We then held hands (Dustin was driving at the time... it was the day of the funeral) and looked at each other and agreed that we just wanted to be together to raise our kids and enjoy our grandkids.

God is so good that He initiated that conversation. It gave me peace as I planned the funeral, and maybe one day it will give me peace about "moving on."

I do want to be happy again. I am not content where I am, but I still want it to be the way it "was" and I cannot imagine how it "will be." Maybe I will grow to be content where I am, maybe not. I just don't know.

Thanks for listening. I needed a good cry. (I can't say that without thinking of you, Shannon.)