My "Readiness"

About that post I made a few weeks ago....


I can feel God working in my heart. He is making me aware of things I never would have thought about. As I mentioned before, I think about my family's future, often. It is kind of like this (I have told many of you about this, so bear with me as I fill in everyone else.) In the days, weeks, months, year or more after Dustin's death, I would close my eyes and just imagine with all my being that Dustin was walking through the door and that everything was normal. I could feel his hand touch mine. I could (and still can) imagine his lips kissing mine as he did everyday when he left for work and came home. I could hear him saying in a high pitched playful voice, "There's my boy!" or "There's my baby girl!" (He did call them by their names at other times, but usually first thing when he came home from work he called them boy or girl. When they did something mischievous or funny, he would call them "your" son/daughter. "Look what your son did.")


I am getting to a point. Be patient.


It was as though, I had to go back into the past and touch it for a while because the present was so unbearable without him. I had to touch those moments again and feel them. Feel his presence. Then come back to reality.


I still have those moments, but I also look to the future. I go there and explore it too. What would it be like? Most of it I cannot imagine. Letting someone into this zoo we call our home. Letting someone see our dirty laundry, if you know what I mean. I always come out of those thoughts with the same prayer, "God, I am so glad that You are in control." I have to do nothing but wait. Maybe there is someone He is preparing for me... maybe not. I am OK with that too. Some days I think that would be easier. I do enjoy the bond that we share, just the three of us. I hope and pray that it only grows stronger as the kids grow up. I want them to always feel like they can talk to me about anything.


I desire to do your will, O my God, Your law is within my heart.
Psalm 40:8

Guide me in your truth and teach me,


for you are God my Savior,


and my hope is in you all day long.


Psalm 25:5